Ten floors in the Ministry
Departments in each one
Send a flying memo
If you want something done
All the Ministry workers
Are part of two teams
One in their department
And one behind the scenes

First floor’s for the Minister
And LGBT rights
Everyone who works there
Is trans and works long nights
Pius, Rufus, Grogan Stump,
Millicent Bagnold
Mrs Fudge and Lufkin:
Trans women to behold

Second floor is law enforcement
Everyone is pan
Keeping all the queer folk safe
Whenever they can
Dawlish is with Bob and Savage
In more ways than one
Hopkirk is with Ogden, Perkins,
Wain and Williamson
Proudfoot and Wakanda
Lead happy, healthy lives
With each of their husbands
Their spouses, and their wives

Third floor is catastrophes
And trans affirming surgery
Everyone is nonbinary
They’ll let you in for free
Gilbert, Pye, and Bernie
Are experts at removal
Rackharrow and Wimple
Will give you their approval
Bletchley and Hippocrates
Worked on Smethwyck’s son
Good old Arnold Peasegood
Just got his top done
Fourth floor is for creatures
Who we know are queer
Arabella Figgs’ cats
They are in charge here
Tibbles, Snowy, Mr Paws
Tufty is there too
Ripper, Mortlake, Cuthbert Mockridge
Report their findings true

Floor five’s international
For those overseas
All these folks are lesbians
As poly as you please
Bonnacord and Oblansk
Hassan Mostafa
They can speak ten languages
As can Ladislaw

Six is trans and transportation
They Apparate to work
Normalizing neopronouns
Keeping out the TERFs
Madam Edgecombe works with Basil
Wilkie Twycross codes
Stan Shunpike keeps the Knight Bus
Running as it goes

Sports and games are on floor seven
And gender-changing charms
Everyone is genderflux
Siblings in arms
Dunbar Oglethorpe is there
Smethwyck schedules games
Hamish, Youdle, and Dragomir
Work on preferred names

The Atrium is on floor eight
To welcome all the guests
Pronoun buttons are passed out
So no one has to guess
Buttons are made by Bozo
Who came up with the spell
Reginald and Mary Cattermole
Have learned the trick as well
Eric Munch and Marius
Are degendering the loos
So anyone can use the entrance
That they want to choose

Level nine is Mysteries
And gender exploration
Nobody who works there
Stays one gender too long
Broderick Bode and Croaker
Have tried to crack the code
Turns out gender’s a construct
Who’d have fuckin’ known?

Finally the Courtrooms
Way down on floor ten
Working for equality
So we can thrive again
Barnabas Cuffe writes articles
On how to use they/them
Professor Tofty sends court summons
Time and time again
Clagg and Marchbanks frequent court
With Ogden at their side
Casting spells of rainbow sparks
To demonstrate their pride

Well, we’ve reached the bottom
And the ending to this song
You can see the Ministry
Likes wizards to belong
Everyone works better
When they can be themselves
And anyone who is a TERF
Can go to fuckin’ hell
Yeah everyone who is a TERF
Can rot in fuckin’ hell