1. |
Chocolate Frogs
03:45
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Harry Potter (Potter) met his best friend Ron
On the Hogwarts train, and they introduced themselves
They were getting pretty hungry when
The trolley came around
Ron was like, “I’ll take a chocolate frog”
Harry stared at him, he was simply just agog
“Do they really jump? Can you put it in your mouth?
Will they jump onto the ground?”
Ron said, “Well you know the coolest part
Is opening the frog and checking out the card
There are famous people on each and every one
You can see them when they’re here”
Harry looked at the card in this hand
And there he was, an old and handsome man
With a long white beard and a steady hand
Who’s also super queer
Chocolate frogs, oh, chocolate frogs
Just how many cards can you get?
Opening and opening and opening and opening…
These chocolate frogs
Upon opening old Dumbledore’s card
Hardly believing it, he turned his head to Ron
In a whisper, shaking with excitement now
He asked, “Is he really gay?”
Ron said, “There’s a really fun fact
Every single card that was ever ever packed
In a chocolate frog that was ever on the rack
Is LGBTQIA”
Then a smile slowly crossed Harry’s face
Every doubt and fear of magic was erased
There are magic people who are gay and bi and ace!
And they’re waiting just for me
Ron saw the look of Harry’s awe
And was taken back to the moment when he saw
He was not alone, he was truly home
In the queer community
Chocolate frogs, oh, chocolate frogs
Just how many cards can you get?
Opening and opening and opening and opening…
These chocolate frogs
Opening and opening and opening and opening…
These chocolate frogs
(Sigh) Would you look at all these cards…
We got: Oswald Beamish, Edgar Stroulger, Glenda Chittock, Greta Catchlove
Gideon Crumb, Crispin Cronk, Gerta Curd, Agatha Chubb
Falcon Aesalon, Balfour Blane, Blodwyn Bludd, her highness Queen Maeve
Sacharissa Tugwood, Hesper Starkey, Gondoline Oliphant, Flavius Belby
Kirley Duke and Wilfred Elphick, Yen Dzou, Alberic Grunnion
Dymphna Furmage, Perpetua Fancourt, Gifford Ollerton, Burdock Muldoon
Daisy Dodderidge, Xavier Rastrick, Almerick Sawbridge, Montague Knightley
Hengist of Woodcroft, Yardley Platt, Laverne de Montmorency
Malodora Grymm,Carlotta Pinkstone, Mopsus and Glanmore Peakes
Justus Pilliwickle, Lord Stoddard Withers, Glover Hipworth, Jocunda Sykes
Mirabella Plunkett, Tilly Toke, Gaspard Shingleton, Felix Summerbee
Norvel Twonk, Dorcas Wellbeloved, Bridget Wenlock, Herbert Varney
Devlin Whitehorn, Ignatia Wildsmith, Thaddeus Thurkell, Havelock Sweeting
Quong Po, Carmilla Sanguina, Derwent Shimpling
Cornelius Agrippa, Barberus Bragge, Honoria Nutcombe, Archibald Alderton
Beatrix Bloxam, Gunhilda of Gorsemoor, Hengist of Upper Barnton
Chocolate frogs, oh, chocolate frogs
Just how many cards can you get?
Opening and opening and opening and opening…
These chocolate frogs
Opening and opening and opening and opening…
These chocolate frogs
Opening and opening and opening and opening…
These chocolate frogs
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2. |
Love is in the Air
03:31
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Chorus:
Love can come in any season
In many ways, we know
Love can thrive up in the air
As it does down below
So this song’s for the Quidditch love
Igniting from up high
For all the ones who’ve fallen
In love and from the sky
Gryffindors love Quidditch
They love each other too
Demelza, Kirke, and Sloper
Have a love triangle so true
They all learned they were poly
So now they’re all as one
Sleeping in the same bed
When Quidditch days are done
Chorus
Slytherins love Quidditch
And though they may act tough
They’ve found love within their House
And also Hufflepuff
Urquhart fell for Vaisey
(Both in Slytherin)
But Harper is with Cadwallader
To bring the Huffle in
Chorus
Joscelind of Puddlemore
Designed a pride flag broom
Bowman Wright, he ditched the snitch
And wed a handsome groom
Fleetwood polished up a ring
And asked his husband’s hand
Joey Jenkins did the same
And left the Chudley Cannons
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3. |
The
01:32
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Chorus:
If you have “the” in your name
You know you’re a big deal
Hero, villain, just plain odd
Fictional or real
You’ve prob’ly seen this coming
So take it from me:
All the people in this song
Are LGBT
Emeric the Evil
Egbert the Egregious
Boris the Bewildered
Merwyn the Malicious
Uric the Oddball
Wendelin the Weird
Urg the Unclean
Bodrod the Bearded
Ethelred the Ever-Ready
Wilfred the Wistful
Elfric the Eager
Fulbert the Fearful
Lachlan the Lanky
Gregory the Smarmy
Herpo the Foul
Barnabas the Barmy
Chorus
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4. |
Relations
02:49
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We have come a long way
On our journey so far
Naming all these characters
Normal and bizarre
As you know, we still have
Quite a few to go
So here’s all the relations
Of characters you know:
Amos Diggory is pan
So is Teddy Tonks
All the Malfoy line is bi
As were all the Gaunts
Otto Bagman’s genderqueer
Marge Dursley is gay
Mrs Lovegood was in love
With Mrs Diggory
Gabrielle and young Victoire
Are certainly not cis
Queer were both the Thomas Riddles
And Mrs Eileen Prince
Kendra Dumbledore took after
Percival as ace
Trans but in denial
Was Sir Tobias Snape
The Grangers both were intersex
Ted Tonks was as well
Fergus is demi-romantic
But he’ll never tell
Astoria was fae-gender
Mrs Finnigan was aro
These three are still questioning:
Maisie, Ellie, and Alfred Cattermole
We’re coming to the end now
And Fleur’s parents weren’t straight
Mary Riddle, Andromeda Tonks,
And Cassandra Trelawney are more than queer-bait
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5. |
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Chorus:
We’ve seen every wizard,
Every witch and every wix
We know they’re all LGBT
Let’s add to the mix:
Each named Muggle in the series
They are queer as well
From Gordon to Cecilia
From Dot to Aunt Mabel
Frank Bryce was bigender
Mrs Cole is fae
Angus Fleet is enby
Ted and Miggs are gay
Piers and Dennis are together
Jim McGuffin’s bi
Colonel Fubster is transgender
Mark Evans gets why
Yvonne is a trans woman
Malcolm’s a trans man
Mr and Mrs Mason
Go to every Pride they can
Hetty is a lesbian
Herbert Chorley’s gay
Mrs Polkiss, Mary Dorkins,
And Mr Prentice are all gray
Chorus
Billy Stubbs is trans
Martha supports Amy
Dennis Bishop finally got
The nerve to ask out Whalley
Both the Roberts and Mr Payne
Hang pride flags outside
Dudley looks to Vernon
As a queer role model guide
Politicians aren’t exempt
We don’t know who they are
If they are real or fictional
But anyway, they were:
Prime Minister and President
They use “they” and “her”
So does the last Muggle:
The Chancellor of the Exchequer
Chorus
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6. |
Headmasters of Hogwarts
01:25
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Chorus:
The headmasters of Hogwarts
Go back many years
Not a single one was straight
Every one was queer
Everard and Vulpus
Mrs Amrose Swott
Old Armando Dippet
And Giffard Abbott
Brutus Scrimgeour, Mole, and Egg
V. Viridian
Limebert, Dexter Fortescue
Walter Aragon
Dilys D and Basil
Antonia C
Wilkins, Gagwilde, Skandenberg
Phineas and Fytherley
Chorus (fade out)
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7. |
Kwikspell
01:27
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Chorus:
Write to us at Kwikspell
If you need help with magic
Don’t live your life in regret
Feeling rough and tragic
Madam Nettles wrote to us
Said we changed her life
Now she casts spells happily
Impressing her wife
Chorus
Warlock Prod used to feel
He let his husband down
Now he feels more like a mage
No longer like a clown
Chorus
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8. |
In the Mirror
02:34
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My name is Orla Quirke and I’m a Ravenclaw
When I started at Hogwarts, I simply was in awe
Of all the magic floating ‘round and getting in my head
And that’s when I found the Mirror of Erised
Chorus
In the mirror (Hello Orla dear)
In the mirror (You’re who I am here)
I see myself (Everyone says “she/her”)
As someone else
In the mirror (That’s right Orla dear)
In the mirror (You’re who I am here)
I see myself (Everyone is sure)
As the girl I’m meant to be (You’re the girl you’re meant to be)
I looked deep into that mirror and it showed me how
I had always wished to be, and so it showed me now
I see the person straight ahead that I most want to be
I see her in the mirror and I know that she is me
Chorus
On my first day at Hogwarts, I couldn’t wear a dress
Everyone has to wear robes and maybe that is best
I was really nervous, uncomfortable and shy
Hoping no one would see me as a guy
Chorus
My voice is so much deeper than most of the girls here
But inside of the mirror, it’s just how I appear
I see myself in her and it brings me joy
To know deep inside my heart I never was a boy
Chorus x2
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9. |
Famous Aces
02:54
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Chorus:
Ooooh, we’re off to the races
Ooooh, with the world’s famous aces
Ooooh…
Gregorovich made famous wands
Crafted with such care
Elder wood and dragon’s blood
Feels lighter than air
Bertie Bott made candy beans
In flavors of all kinds
Earwax, seaweed, rotting wood
Lemon, pear, and lime
Chorus
Mrs Skower’s cleaning
Can destroy any stain
She never was married
Despite her branding name
Dr Filibuster’s sparks
Are all the rage most nights
Filling up the starry sky
With dazzling bright lights
Chorus
Old Wizard Baruffio
You may know him well
Famous for mispronouncing
The Leviosa spell
Scarpin’s famous Revealaspell
Will say what’s in a potion
He wanted everyone to know
If they didn’t have a notion
Chorus
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10. |
Elder Wand
02:55
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Chorus:
In all the bloody history
The Elder Wand’s been through
From Godelot to Arcus
From Draco now to you
You must know this, Harry
Each owner that it’s had
Were both queer and powerful
When wand was in their hand
Barnabas beat Hereward
Loxias got it next
(Or maybe it was Arcus)
Livius thought it best
To take it from his lover
Killed during his sleep
The bloodshed then continued
The wand was hard to keep
Chorus
Breaking it in half and then
Throwing it away
Did you think that that would cause
It slowly to decay?
Try fixing your wand instead
And let the elder rest
Hide it where no one will find
I think that might be best
Chorus
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11. |
Floors of the Ministry
03:45
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Ten floors in the Ministry
Departments in each one
Send a flying memo
If you want something done
All the Ministry workers
Are part of two teams
One in their department
And one behind the scenes
First floor’s for the Minister
And LGBT rights
Everyone who works there
Is trans and works long nights
Pius, Rufus, Grogan Stump,
Millicent Bagnold
Mrs Fudge and Lufkin:
Trans women to behold
Second floor is law enforcement
Everyone is pan
Keeping all the queer folk safe
Whenever they can
Dawlish is with Bob and Savage
In more ways than one
Hopkirk is with Ogden, Perkins,
Wain and Williamson
Proudfoot and Wakanda
Lead happy, healthy lives
With each of their husbands
Their spouses, and their wives
Third floor is catastrophes
And trans affirming surgery
Everyone is nonbinary
They’ll let you in for free
Gilbert, Pye, and Bernie
Are experts at removal
Rackharrow and Wimple
Will give you their approval
Bletchley and Hippocrates
Worked on Smethwyck’s son
Good old Arnold Peasegood
Just got his top done
Fourth floor is for creatures
Who we know are queer
Arabella Figgs’ cats
They are in charge here
Tibbles, Snowy, Mr Paws
Tufty is there too
Ripper, Mortlake, Cuthbert Mockridge
Report their findings true
Floor five’s international
For those overseas
All these folks are lesbians
As poly as you please
Bonnacord and Oblansk
Hassan Mostafa
They can speak ten languages
As can Ladislaw
Six is trans and transportation
They Apparate to work
Normalizing neopronouns
Keeping out the TERFs
Madam Edgecombe works with Basil
Wilkie Twycross codes
Stan Shunpike keeps the Knight Bus
Running as it goes
Sports and games are on floor seven
And gender-changing charms
Everyone is genderflux
Siblings in arms
Dunbar Oglethorpe is there
Smethwyck schedules games
Hamish, Youdle, and Dragomir
Work on preferred names
The Atrium is on floor eight
To welcome all the guests
Pronoun buttons are passed out
So no one has to guess
Buttons are made by Bozo
Who came up with the spell
Reginald and Mary Cattermole
Have learned the trick as well
Eric Munch and Marius
Are degendering the loos
So anyone can use the entrance
That they want to choose
Level nine is Mysteries
And gender exploration
Nobody who works there
Stays one gender too long
Broderick Bode and Croaker
Have tried to crack the code
Turns out gender’s a construct
Who’d have fuckin’ known?
Finally the Courtrooms
Way down on floor ten
Working for equality
So we can thrive again
Barnabas Cuffe writes articles
On how to use they/them
Professor Tofty sends court summons
Time and time again
Clagg and Marchbanks frequent court
With Ogden at their side
Casting spells of rainbow sparks
To demonstrate their pride
Well, we’ve reached the bottom
And the ending to this song
You can see the Ministry
Likes wizards to belong
Everyone works better
When they can be themselves
And anyone who is a TERF
Can go to fuckin’ hell
Yeah everyone who is a TERF
Can rot in fuckin’ hell
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12. |
The End
01:14
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Chorus:
We’ve come to the end of our final goal
Each wizard and Muggle explained in full
Now it’s time to finish, my friends
Just a few more to wrap up loose ends
The lesbians: Enid Smeek and Verity
Octavius Pepper and Janus Thickey
Dai Llewellyn and Galatea
Hepzibah Smith and Agatha
The gay guys: Kevin and Arkie Alderton
Barnabus Finkley and Rupert Brookstanton
Summerby, Widdershins, Ali Bashir
Pontner, Harries, and Humphrey Belcher
Chorus
The bi’s are McKinnon and Ivor Dillonsby
Hector Dagworth-Granger, and look closely
Dragomir Despard is the final one
I can’t believe it everybody, we are finally done!
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Totally Knuts Fremont, California
I am a nonbinary wizard who writes inclusive wizard rock! And also other nerdy stuff. Logo by Brenna Doe.
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