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Queering Up

by Totally Knuts

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1.
Harry Potter (Potter) met his best friend Ron On the Hogwarts train, and they introduced themselves They were getting pretty hungry when The trolley came around Ron was like, “I’ll take a chocolate frog” Harry stared at him, he was simply just agog “Do they really jump? Can you put it in your mouth? Will they jump onto the ground?” Ron said, “Well you know the coolest part Is opening the frog and checking out the card There are famous people on each and every one You can see them when they’re here” Harry looked at the card in this hand And there he was, an old and handsome man With a long white beard and a steady hand Who’s also super queer Chocolate frogs, oh, chocolate frogs Just how many cards can you get? Opening and opening and opening and opening… These chocolate frogs Upon opening old Dumbledore’s card Hardly believing it, he turned his head to Ron In a whisper, shaking with excitement now He asked, “Is he really gay?” Ron said, “There’s a really fun fact Every single card that was ever ever packed In a chocolate frog that was ever on the rack Is LGBTQIA” Then a smile slowly crossed Harry’s face Every doubt and fear of magic was erased There are magic people who are gay and bi and ace! And they’re waiting just for me Ron saw the look of Harry’s awe And was taken back to the moment when he saw He was not alone, he was truly home In the queer community Chocolate frogs, oh, chocolate frogs Just how many cards can you get? Opening and opening and opening and opening… These chocolate frogs Opening and opening and opening and opening… These chocolate frogs (Sigh) Would you look at all these cards… We got: Oswald Beamish, Edgar Stroulger, Glenda Chittock, Greta Catchlove Gideon Crumb, Crispin Cronk, Gerta Curd, Agatha Chubb Falcon Aesalon, Balfour Blane, Blodwyn Bludd, her highness Queen Maeve Sacharissa Tugwood, Hesper Starkey, Gondoline Oliphant, Flavius Belby Kirley Duke and Wilfred Elphick, Yen Dzou, Alberic Grunnion Dymphna Furmage, Perpetua Fancourt, Gifford Ollerton, Burdock Muldoon Daisy Dodderidge, Xavier Rastrick, Almerick Sawbridge, Montague Knightley Hengist of Woodcroft, Yardley Platt, Laverne de Montmorency Malodora Grymm,Carlotta Pinkstone, Mopsus and Glanmore Peakes Justus Pilliwickle, Lord Stoddard Withers, Glover Hipworth, Jocunda Sykes Mirabella Plunkett, Tilly Toke, Gaspard Shingleton, Felix Summerbee Norvel Twonk, Dorcas Wellbeloved, Bridget Wenlock, Herbert Varney Devlin Whitehorn, Ignatia Wildsmith, Thaddeus Thurkell, Havelock Sweeting Quong Po, Carmilla Sanguina, Derwent Shimpling Cornelius Agrippa, Barberus Bragge, Honoria Nutcombe, Archibald Alderton Beatrix Bloxam, Gunhilda of Gorsemoor, Hengist of Upper Barnton Chocolate frogs, oh, chocolate frogs Just how many cards can you get? Opening and opening and opening and opening… These chocolate frogs Opening and opening and opening and opening… These chocolate frogs Opening and opening and opening and opening… These chocolate frogs
2.
Chorus: Love can come in any season In many ways, we know Love can thrive up in the air As it does down below So this song’s for the Quidditch love Igniting from up high For all the ones who’ve fallen In love and from the sky Gryffindors love Quidditch They love each other too Demelza, Kirke, and Sloper Have a love triangle so true They all learned they were poly So now they’re all as one Sleeping in the same bed When Quidditch days are done Chorus Slytherins love Quidditch And though they may act tough They’ve found love within their House And also Hufflepuff Urquhart fell for Vaisey (Both in Slytherin) But Harper is with Cadwallader To bring the Huffle in Chorus Joscelind of Puddlemore Designed a pride flag broom Bowman Wright, he ditched the snitch And wed a handsome groom Fleetwood polished up a ring And asked his husband’s hand Joey Jenkins did the same And left the Chudley Cannons
3.
The 01:32
Chorus: If you have “the” in your name You know you’re a big deal Hero, villain, just plain odd Fictional or real You’ve prob’ly seen this coming So take it from me: All the people in this song Are LGBT Emeric the Evil Egbert the Egregious Boris the Bewildered Merwyn the Malicious Uric the Oddball Wendelin the Weird Urg the Unclean Bodrod the Bearded Ethelred the Ever-Ready Wilfred the Wistful Elfric the Eager Fulbert the Fearful Lachlan the Lanky Gregory the Smarmy Herpo the Foul Barnabas the Barmy Chorus
4.
Relations 02:49
We have come a long way On our journey so far Naming all these characters Normal and bizarre As you know, we still have Quite a few to go So here’s all the relations Of characters you know: Amos Diggory is pan So is Teddy Tonks All the Malfoy line is bi As were all the Gaunts Otto Bagman’s genderqueer Marge Dursley is gay Mrs Lovegood was in love With Mrs Diggory Gabrielle and young Victoire Are certainly not cis Queer were both the Thomas Riddles And Mrs Eileen Prince Kendra Dumbledore took after Percival as ace Trans but in denial Was Sir Tobias Snape The Grangers both were intersex Ted Tonks was as well Fergus is demi-romantic But he’ll never tell Astoria was fae-gender Mrs Finnigan was aro These three are still questioning: Maisie, Ellie, and Alfred Cattermole We’re coming to the end now And Fleur’s parents weren’t straight Mary Riddle, Andromeda Tonks, And Cassandra Trelawney are more than queer-bait
5.
Chorus: We’ve seen every wizard, Every witch and every wix We know they’re all LGBT Let’s add to the mix: Each named Muggle in the series They are queer as well From Gordon to Cecilia From Dot to Aunt Mabel Frank Bryce was bigender Mrs Cole is fae Angus Fleet is enby Ted and Miggs are gay Piers and Dennis are together Jim McGuffin’s bi Colonel Fubster is transgender Mark Evans gets why Yvonne is a trans woman Malcolm’s a trans man Mr and Mrs Mason Go to every Pride they can Hetty is a lesbian Herbert Chorley’s gay Mrs Polkiss, Mary Dorkins, And Mr Prentice are all gray Chorus Billy Stubbs is trans Martha supports Amy Dennis Bishop finally got The nerve to ask out Whalley Both the Roberts and Mr Payne Hang pride flags outside Dudley looks to Vernon As a queer role model guide Politicians aren’t exempt We don’t know who they are If they are real or fictional But anyway, they were: Prime Minister and President They use “they” and “her” So does the last Muggle: The Chancellor of the Exchequer Chorus
6.
Chorus: The headmasters of Hogwarts Go back many years Not a single one was straight Every one was queer Everard and Vulpus Mrs Amrose Swott Old Armando Dippet And Giffard Abbott Brutus Scrimgeour, Mole, and Egg V. Viridian Limebert, Dexter Fortescue Walter Aragon Dilys D and Basil Antonia C Wilkins, Gagwilde, Skandenberg Phineas and Fytherley Chorus (fade out)
7.
Kwikspell 01:27
Chorus: Write to us at Kwikspell If you need help with magic Don’t live your life in regret Feeling rough and tragic Madam Nettles wrote to us Said we changed her life Now she casts spells happily Impressing her wife Chorus Warlock Prod used to feel He let his husband down Now he feels more like a mage No longer like a clown Chorus
8.
My name is Orla Quirke and I’m a Ravenclaw When I started at Hogwarts, I simply was in awe Of all the magic floating ‘round and getting in my head And that’s when I found the Mirror of Erised Chorus In the mirror (Hello Orla dear) In the mirror (You’re who I am here) I see myself (Everyone says “she/her”) As someone else In the mirror (That’s right Orla dear) In the mirror (You’re who I am here) I see myself (Everyone is sure) As the girl I’m meant to be (You’re the girl you’re meant to be) I looked deep into that mirror and it showed me how I had always wished to be, and so it showed me now I see the person straight ahead that I most want to be I see her in the mirror and I know that she is me Chorus On my first day at Hogwarts, I couldn’t wear a dress Everyone has to wear robes and maybe that is best I was really nervous, uncomfortable and shy Hoping no one would see me as a guy Chorus My voice is so much deeper than most of the girls here But inside of the mirror, it’s just how I appear I see myself in her and it brings me joy To know deep inside my heart I never was a boy Chorus x2
9.
Famous Aces 02:54
Chorus: Ooooh, we’re off to the races Ooooh, with the world’s famous aces Ooooh… Gregorovich made famous wands Crafted with such care Elder wood and dragon’s blood Feels lighter than air Bertie Bott made candy beans In flavors of all kinds Earwax, seaweed, rotting wood Lemon, pear, and lime Chorus Mrs Skower’s cleaning Can destroy any stain She never was married Despite her branding name Dr Filibuster’s sparks Are all the rage most nights Filling up the starry sky With dazzling bright lights Chorus Old Wizard Baruffio You may know him well Famous for mispronouncing The Leviosa spell Scarpin’s famous Revealaspell Will say what’s in a potion He wanted everyone to know If they didn’t have a notion Chorus
10.
Elder Wand 02:55
Chorus: In all the bloody history The Elder Wand’s been through From Godelot to Arcus From Draco now to you You must know this, Harry Each owner that it’s had Were both queer and powerful When wand was in their hand Barnabas beat Hereward Loxias got it next (Or maybe it was Arcus) Livius thought it best To take it from his lover Killed during his sleep The bloodshed then continued The wand was hard to keep Chorus Breaking it in half and then Throwing it away Did you think that that would cause It slowly to decay? Try fixing your wand instead And let the elder rest Hide it where no one will find I think that might be best Chorus
11.
Ten floors in the Ministry Departments in each one Send a flying memo If you want something done All the Ministry workers Are part of two teams One in their department And one behind the scenes First floor’s for the Minister And LGBT rights Everyone who works there Is trans and works long nights Pius, Rufus, Grogan Stump, Millicent Bagnold Mrs Fudge and Lufkin: Trans women to behold Second floor is law enforcement Everyone is pan Keeping all the queer folk safe Whenever they can Dawlish is with Bob and Savage In more ways than one Hopkirk is with Ogden, Perkins, Wain and Williamson Proudfoot and Wakanda Lead happy, healthy lives With each of their husbands Their spouses, and their wives Third floor is catastrophes And trans affirming surgery Everyone is nonbinary They’ll let you in for free Gilbert, Pye, and Bernie Are experts at removal Rackharrow and Wimple Will give you their approval Bletchley and Hippocrates Worked on Smethwyck’s son Good old Arnold Peasegood Just got his top done Fourth floor is for creatures Who we know are queer Arabella Figgs’ cats They are in charge here Tibbles, Snowy, Mr Paws Tufty is there too Ripper, Mortlake, Cuthbert Mockridge Report their findings true Floor five’s international For those overseas All these folks are lesbians As poly as you please Bonnacord and Oblansk Hassan Mostafa They can speak ten languages As can Ladislaw Six is trans and transportation They Apparate to work Normalizing neopronouns Keeping out the TERFs Madam Edgecombe works with Basil Wilkie Twycross codes Stan Shunpike keeps the Knight Bus Running as it goes Sports and games are on floor seven And gender-changing charms Everyone is genderflux Siblings in arms Dunbar Oglethorpe is there Smethwyck schedules games Hamish, Youdle, and Dragomir Work on preferred names The Atrium is on floor eight To welcome all the guests Pronoun buttons are passed out So no one has to guess Buttons are made by Bozo Who came up with the spell Reginald and Mary Cattermole Have learned the trick as well Eric Munch and Marius Are degendering the loos So anyone can use the entrance That they want to choose Level nine is Mysteries And gender exploration Nobody who works there Stays one gender too long Broderick Bode and Croaker Have tried to crack the code Turns out gender’s a construct Who’d have fuckin’ known? Finally the Courtrooms Way down on floor ten Working for equality So we can thrive again Barnabas Cuffe writes articles On how to use they/them Professor Tofty sends court summons Time and time again Clagg and Marchbanks frequent court With Ogden at their side Casting spells of rainbow sparks To demonstrate their pride Well, we’ve reached the bottom And the ending to this song You can see the Ministry Likes wizards to belong Everyone works better When they can be themselves And anyone who is a TERF Can go to fuckin’ hell Yeah everyone who is a TERF Can rot in fuckin’ hell
12.
The End 01:14
Chorus: We’ve come to the end of our final goal Each wizard and Muggle explained in full Now it’s time to finish, my friends Just a few more to wrap up loose ends The lesbians: Enid Smeek and Verity Octavius Pepper and Janus Thickey Dai Llewellyn and Galatea Hepzibah Smith and Agatha The gay guys: Kevin and Arkie Alderton Barnabus Finkley and Rupert Brookstanton Summerby, Widdershins, Ali Bashir Pontner, Harries, and Humphrey Belcher Chorus The bi’s are McKinnon and Ivor Dillonsby Hector Dagworth-Granger, and look closely Dragomir Despard is the final one I can’t believe it everybody, we are finally done!

about

This is the fifth and final album of my "queerify every single named character in the HP series" project and I am so pleased to finally be done!! Take THAT, JKR! Thanks to everyone who supported me through this project and stuck with me until the end. <3

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released December 31, 2022

Album art by Brenna Doe!

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Totally Knuts Fremont, California

I am a nonbinary wizard who writes inclusive wizard rock! And also other nerdy stuff. Logo by Brenna Doe.

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