1. |
||||
Oh, my mistress comes from the House of Black
Pour me a butterbeer, and make it fast
Her boy is gone, and he won’t come back
‘Tis strong for a house-elf, sir!
And my new master’s a piece of trash
Pour me a butterbeer, and make it fast
So I’ll take my butterbeer in a glass!
‘Tis strong for a house-elf, sir!
All day and night, I’ll throw ‘em back
Pour me a butterbeer, and make it fast
Though it ain’t as strong as an Irish Stout
‘Tis strong for a house-elf, sir!
Oh, Mr. Crouch was a friend to me
Pour me a butterbeer, and make it fast
And I gave my life to his family
‘Tis strong for a house-elf, sir!
But he took my job and I got the sack
Pour me a butterbeer, and make it fast
Now the butterbeer is all I have
‘Tis strong for a house-elf, sir!
All day and night, I’ll throw ‘em back
Pour me a butterbeer, and make it fast
Though it ain’t as strong as an Irish Stout
‘Tis strong for a house-elf, sir!
Well, I made my livin' for a woman named Smith
Pour me a butterbeer, and make it fast
Didn’t look like much, but she sure was rich
‘Tis strong for a house-elf, sir!
'Til a pale young man came and robbed us blind
Pour me a butterbeer, and make it fast
So I drink that butterbeer all the time
‘Tis strong for a house-elf, sir!
All day and night, I’ll throw ‘em back
Pour me a butterbeer, and make it fast
Though it ain’t as strong as an Irish Stout
‘Tis strong for a house-elf, sir!
Them Malfoys kept me mighty low
Pour me a butterbeer, and make it fast
Had an evil plan, ‘til I said “NO!”
‘Tis strong for a house-elf, sir!
And now we toast to our victory
Pour me a butterbeer, and make it fast
‘Cause the Potter boy went and set me free
‘Tis strong for a house-elf, sir!
All day and night, I’ll throw ‘em back
Pour me a butterbeer, and make it fast
Though it ain’t as strong as an Irish Stout
‘Tis strong for a house-elf, sir!
|
||||
2. |
||||
Has anybody seen my beer? Anyway, this next song is called Sail With a Wizard!
If I were stranded on an island at sea
With no one but Karkaroff there with me
Then I would help him to build us a ship
Then he’d sail away on his own with it
So it’s no nay never; no nay never no more
Will I sail with a wizard, no never no more
If I were stranded on an island at sea
With no one but Ron Weasley there with me
We’d perish right there, you know it is true
Because without Hermione what could he do?
So it’s no nay never; no nay never no more
Will I sail with a wizard, no never no more
One more time!
If I were stranded on an island at sea
With no one but Voldemort there with me
Then I would be doomed, because I’m sure that he
Would try to make a Horcrux by murdering me
So it’s no nay never; no nay never no more
Will I sail with a wizard, no never no more
If I were stranded on an island at sea
With no one but Severus Snape there with me
Then he would make potions alcoholic and sweet
That we would be drinking out there on the beach
We’ll be drunk, drunk, drunken, all day and all night
Let me sail with a wizard and I’ll be alright
We’ll be drunk, drunk, drunken, all day and all night
Let me sail with a wizard and I’ll be alright
(And it's all for the wrock,
The jolly jolly wrock
It's all for the fans of Harry Potter...)
|
||||
3. |
||||
Before you came to Hogwarts, our lot was laughs & skylarks
But then when you turned up, the world went right to shite
And though you’ve tried to haunt us, you never more will daunt us,
We’ll tolerate no bullies; we’ll stand up for what’s right!
Chorus:
Goodbye Mrs. Umbridge, You really are the worst witch
You can’t pretend to niceness, we’ve all seen your black heart
Ah, sure you can’t control us, we don’t care what the toll is
Instead of learning rubbish, we’ll be fighting the Dark Arts
Your power thirst un-sated, you’re collectively well-hated
And everyone but Filchie has plotted your demise
You’ve no redeeming features, you hate all sorts of creatures
I’d think of something nice to say, but I must not tell lies
Chorus
Though you’re smug & smarmy, We are Dum-ble-dore’s Army
We all cheered for the centaurs, when they were dragging you away
Your decrees are finished, from Hogwarts you are banished
And with that good riddance, We joyfully will say:
Chorus x2
|
||||
4. |
||||
99 butters of beer on the wall
99 butters of beer
Take one down, it's slippery as f*ck
98 butters of beer on the wall
|
||||
5. |
||||
There once was a young man called Odo the Odd
In a small muggle town he was born
He was known for his garb, always worn wrong way 'round
And his way with all those feathered, furred, or scaled
Odo, if only we knew you
As Odo, the hero you were
He could call any beast with a wave of his wand
Without even a word they'd approach
The villagers thought him a strange fairy lad
And Odo did earn their reproach
Odo, if only we knew you
As Odo, the hero you were
As a lad, Odo wandered the forest and field
In the dark under hill was a flame
A dragon's domain where the warrens all wind
Soon, familiar as home it became
Odo, if only we knew you
As Odo, the hero you were
Over the years, Odo made few a friend
For the village had made up its mind
Every cat* disagreed and liked Odo indeed
For they saw that our Odo was kind
Odo, if only we knew you
As Odo, the hero you were
The village was led by one Baldric the Bold
Whose deeds and whose charm won acclaim
Always quick to impress, Baldric never did rest
And a dragon to slay was his aim
Odo, if only we knew you
As Odo, the hero you were
One fine summer's morn when the dew had all dried
Our Odo set off up the hill
When the sun came back down, he returned to the town
And was greeted with more than a chill
Odo, if only we knew you
As Odo, the hero you were
The houses had burned in the course of the day
And the townsfolk had someone to blame
A dragon had visited wrath on them all
And their thoughts turned to only one name
Odo, if only we knew you
As Odo, the hero you were
To Odo they cried, "You have ruined us all!"
But Odo he paid them no heed
He followed the wake of the dragon at once
For the beast must have been in great need
Odo, if only we knew you
As Odo, the hero you were
His feet found the ashes and embers that led
To a scene much to Odo's dismay
The dragon and Baldric were sword against scale
So brave Odo stepped into the fray
Odo, if only we knew you
As Odo, the hero you were
He cast to disarm foolish Baldric the Bold
As the townsfolk who followed looked on
The dragon was scared, but kind Odo he dared
To comfort his friend from there on
Odo, if only we knew you
As Odo, the hero you were
Odo held out his hand and he made gentle sounds
Which out in the forest he learned
The dragon did settle, and then at a wave
Back into the hills did return
Odo, if only we knew you
As Odo, the hero you were
But Baldric recovered his sword in a rage
And swung out at Odo instead
Ere Odo could act, his wand it was cracked
And Odo himself, he was dead
Odo, if only we knew you
As Odo, the hero you were
And Odo the hero, they bore him back home
To the place that he'd known as a lad
They laid him to rest with his hat inside out
And his wand snapped in two, which was sad.
Odo, if only we knew you
As Odo, the hero you were
|
||||
6. |
||||
Ohhh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
We’re goin’ down to Hogsmeade
We’re goin’ on a trip
We’re buyin’ lots of candy
Ain’t life a pip?
We’re gonna have a drink there
When we get to the pub
We might have some whiskey
We might just fall in “lub”
Ohhh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Oh, look! There’s Rosmerta
She’s lookin’ mighty fine
And if we ask her nicely
She might give us some wine
I asked her for a drink
A shot of fire whiskey
She broke my nose
I had to use episkey
Ohhh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Well, now what should we do?
We could go somewhere else
We could go to the Hog’s Head
I hear it kind of smells
I hear the owner’s cranky
He’s tough, but he’s fair
But will he check if we’re of age?
I don’t really care!
Ohhh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
We got our Fire Whiskey
We drank it down in one
We started feelin’ funny
We weren’t havin’ any fun
OUR INSIDES ARE ON FIRE!
It hurts when we laugh
‘Cause fire shoots right out my nose
And shoots right out my a**
Ohhh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di!
Ohhh, aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-DI-DEE-DI-DEE-DIIIIIIII!
|
||||
7. |
||||
[hum]
My mother is a Harpie's Beater.
She beats off Bludgers. [hum]
My father is a Beater's spouse.
He beats off Bludgers. [hum]
My sister is a Beater's daughter.
She beats off Bludgers. [hum]
My brother is a Beater's son.
He beats off ...
[hum]
|
||||
8. |
The Riddle House
04:15
|
|||
Here at The Hanged Man I’ll tell you the tale
Of the old Riddle House that stands high on a hill
A fine-looking manor in its glory days
Now is boarded up, creepy, a decrepit old grave
One summer morning, not fifty years past
The maid had found something that made her aghast
The whole Riddle family, sitting right there
Dead in the drawing room, blank empty stares
How did they die, and who was arrested?
Frank Bryce the gard'ner, the house cook attested
Frank had seen awful things during the war
He had the only spare key to their door
The local police were very confused
It seemed like no weapon or poison was used
But what, then, had caused them to take their last breath?
It seemed as though they had been frightened to death
Since there was no proof that they had been killed
Frank was released, and no charge was billed
Even though people still thought it was him
He stayed at the manor and kept the grass trimmed
Until one night he was woken by pain
His bad leg was almost driving him insane
He looked out the window at the Riddle House
He saw a fire he needed to douse
Surely the local boys were causing trouble
Using his walking stick, went on the double
Up to the old house, using the key
He’d not be ready for what he would see
Taking the creaky stairs one at a time
He was an old man and well past his prime
Stopping outside of the room they were in
He heard the intruders discussing within
“Wormtail” and “Muggle” and “Quidditch World Cup”
These were the words that made Frank look up
Surely his hearing was the cause of this
But then, right behind him, he heard a soft hiss
Frank paralyzed, the snake slithered by
Hissing and looking right into his eye
Passing by Frank, went into the room
Where only a fire could light up the gloom
The strangers invited him into the space
Where Frank hobbled in and was frozen in place
Looking at the dreaded thing in the chair
He never found out how they’d gotten in there
For a flash of green light and a scream from his lungs
His last dying thought was he wished for a gun
For old Frank was dead before he hit the floor
And the Riddle House gard'ner was seen nevermore.
|
||||
9. |
||||
Chorus:
Oh, row, the whompin’ willow
The willow down in Hogwarts-o
Oh, row, the whompin’ willow
The willow down in Hogwarts-o
And on the grounds there was a willow
A rare willow, a whompin' willow
The willow on the grounds
And the grounds down in the Hogwarts-o
Chorus
And on that willow there was a limb
A rare limb, a whompin’ limb
The limb on the willow
And the willow on the grounds
And the grounds down in the Hogwarts-o
Chorus
And on that limb there was a branch
A rare branch, a whompin' branch
The branch on the limb
The limb on the willow
And the willow on the grounds
And the grounds down in the Hogwarts-o
Chorus
And on that branch there was a fist
A rare fist, a whompin’ fist
The fist on the branch
The branch on the limb
The limb on the willow
And the willow on the grounds
And the grounds down in the Hogwarts-o
Chorus
And on that fist there was a Ford
A rare Ford, an Anglia Ford
The Ford on the fist
The fist on the branch
The branch on the limb
The limb on the willow
And the willow on the grounds
And the grounds down in the Hogwarts-o
Chorus
And in that Ford there was a Potter
A rare Potter, a Harry Potter
The Potter in the Ford
The Ford on the fist
The fist on the branch
The branch on the limb
The limb on the willow
And the willow on the grounds
And the grounds down in the Hogwarts-o
Chorus
And on that Potter there was some hair
A rare hair, ever growing hair
The hair on the Potter
The Potter in the Ford
The Ford on the fist
The fist on the branch
The branch on the limb
The limb on the willow
And the willow on the grounds
And the grounds down in the Hogwarts-o
Chorus
And in that hair there was a scar
A rare scar, a lightning scar
The scar on the hair
The hair on the Potter
The Potter in the Ford
The Ford on the fist
The fist on the branch
The branch on the limb
The limb on the willow
And the willow on the grounds
And the grounds down in the Hogwarts-o
Chorus
And in that scar there was a soul
A rare soul, Tom Riddle’s soul
The soul in the scar
The scar on the hair
The hair on the Potter
The Potter in the Ford
The Ford on the fist
The fist on the branch
The branch on the limb
The limb on the willow
And the willow on the grounds
And the grounds down in the Hogwarts-o
Chorus
|
||||
10. |
||||
Hagrid: Gather ‘round, gather round, everyone! I wanna sing a little ditty about one of my favorite animals, the Blast-Ended Skrewt! Ya don’t mess with Blast-Ended Skrewts—they’re grumpy and they're nonbinary! It’s an old song that I heard many years ago—feel free add more verses after I’m done! Sing after me, folks! And a one and a two and a three...
Ohhh the Blast-Ended Skrewt don’t give a damn
(Way hey, and there she blows, boys!)
They’ll blast you just as quick as they can
(They’ll blow you all to hell, boys!)
Don’t you get too close to their stinger end
(Way hey, and there she blows, boys!)
Or your poor old leg, t’will never mend
(They’ll sting you all to hell, boys!)
Chorus:
And it’s BLAST when yer happy and BLAST when you’re sad
(Oh, what a fine life for the Blast-Ended Skrewt)
Blasting for life, it ain’t no fad
(Oh, what a fine life for the Blast-Ended Skrewt)
Oh they fought with Harry in the Triwizard task
(Way hey, and there she blows, boys!)
But they woulda just blasted him if he’d asked
(They’ll blow you all to hell, boys!)
Because a Skrewt can blast for days and days
(Way hey, and there she blows, boys!)
It could blast him straight to the center of the maze
(They’ll help you win the cup, boys!)
Chorus x2
Hagrid: Well, blast it all, folks, I do believe the Hog’s Head is closing for the night!
|
||||
11. |
Mermanda - The Sand Bar
01:49
|
|||
Myrtle comes 'round for tea
But she doesn’t bring biscuits,
Nor hot water
She has brought us mead
from the headmaster’s private stock
There’s a spot in the Great Lake
Where we can all eat teacakes
Gather round the Sandbar
The Merpeople play the harp
Sing along with the Grindylows
Arm in arm in the undertow
|: Hey ho! Hey ho!
To the Sand Bar, let’s go!
Hey ho! :|
The squid brings down gillyweed
It’s distributed legally
And homegrown
We also have things to eat
from the basin of the Sand Bar
There’s a spot in the Great Lake
Where we can all eat rock cakes
Gather round the Sandbar
The grindylows play guitar
Sing along with the Mermaids
Fin to fin, anchor aweigh
|: Hey ho! Hey ho!
To the Sand Bar, let’s go!
Hey ho! :|
|
||||
12. |
||||
You could drink a glass of pumpkin juice
Or a pint of Hogs Head brew
You could even drink some polyjuice
If you’re tired of looking like you
You could drink fire whiskey by the dram
Or by the quart in Hagrid’s case
But there’s one sure drink that I like best
To shove into my face
Give me big old buckets of butterbeer
Give me big old barrels of butterbeer
Give me the drink I love so dear
And another round for my friend right here
Of that sweet old butterbeer
Let's Accio up a tankard
And drink down every drop
Then give our wands a little wave
And refill it to the top
For only two Sickles more
You get a drink so smooth and sweet
And if you are not careful
It will sweep you off your feet (no broom required!)
Give me big old buckets of butterbeer
Give me big old barrels of butterbeer
Give me the drink I love so dear
And another round for my friend right here
Of that sweet old butterbeer
One day my little house-elf
Got himself a butterbeer
That sweet old drink went to his head
And burned away his fear
He rampaged through Honeydukes
'Til he was tossed out by his ear
They found him hanging by his feet
From a Hogwarts chandelier
Give me big old buckets of butterbeer
Give me big old barrels of butterbeer
Give me the drink I love so dear
And another round for my friend right here
Of that sweet old butterbeer
Give me big old buckets of butterbeer
Give me big old barrels of butterbeer
Give me the drink I love so dear
And another round for my friend right here
Of that sweet old butterbeer
Yes, more sweet old butterbeer
|
||||
13. |
||||
I was born into nobility round nine hundred eighty two
A protégé of Slytherin who’s known to me and you
One of the first of students who attended this fine school
Gaining wizarding knowledge while learning all the rules
I chanced upon a fair maid named Helena Ravenclaw
My heart it was befuddled against what you’d call the law
She rebuked all my advances and was clearly quite blasé
But I continue to look after her oh even to this day
Chorus:
I’m the bloody baron whom you see everyday
Haunting all the halls and making merriment and gay
Surprising all the students with my bloody robe and chains
But I’m helping you all out as you experience growing pains
Now Helena ran away to fair Albania
With her mother’s diadem and my unrequited love
Rowena her great mother sent me to get her back
But instead of coming peacefully I went on the attack
Helena’s blunt refusal infuriated me
I stabbed her several times with a knife as you can see
I knew I did the wrong thing, and stabbed myself to death
Now I wear these chains as penance for what little I have left
Chorus x2
|
||||
14. |
||||
Chorus
And Odo the Hero, they bore him back home
To the place that he'd known as a lad,
They laid him to rest with his hat inside out
And his wand snapped in two, which was sad.
When the Founders were young
There were not four but five.
And from bottom came Odo the Great.
Though his magic was sung
Of while he was alive,
Near forgotten when he met his fate.
He enchanted his hat
So that when it was worn
Every skill he desired he could gain.
But he told no one that,
Fearing he’d be forsworn
Since his hat had such pow’r but no brain.
Chorus
He created such spells
No one else could repeat
In the Great Hall where all see the skies.
And for three Peverells
Three magnificent feats,
But they soon spelled untimely demise.
He sought Helga’s advice
When his fortitude failed,
An enchantment dysfunction unique.
With her casting precise
His condition unveiled,
Diagnosis too awful to speak.
Odo was dying every time he cast,
Each spell cast with his hat, it drained his life.
How mystifying that he never asked
In masterworkings past, what was the price?
Chorus
Odo’s cap then he doffed
And he severed the spell
That connected his magic and soul,
Then he held it aloft,
And from hat brim soon fell
Silver droplets he saved in a bowl.
Odo turned out his cap,
And the vessel he gave,
Filled with remnants of triumph and death,
And his wand, which he snapped,
To the Founders, so grave,
And he charged them with his final breath,
“Beloved colleagues, take the last of me
In millinery I’ll ever dwell.
I’ll sort each student who puts me on their head
Long after I’m dead. Now, friends, farewell!”
And Odo the Hero, they bore him back home
To the place that he’d known as a lad,
They laid him to rest with his hat inside-out
And his wand snapped in two--
Oh you may not think I’m pretty,
But don’t judge on what you see.
There’s nothing hidden in your head
Old Odo can’t see...
|
Totally Knuts Fremont, California
I am a nonbinary wizard who writes inclusive wizard rock! And also other nerdy stuff. Logo by Brenna Doe.
Streaming and Download help
If you like Totally Knuts, you may also like:
Bandcamp Daily your guide to the world of Bandcamp